Failures and Disappointments — Spin the Compass

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life - past, present, and future. And frankly, it’s been quite a downer. I feel like my life has been one series of failures and disasters after another, and regardless of how hard I try, not much seems to go my way. And nothing has been easy. Worst of all, I’m quite certain I’ve been nothing but a failure to my parents, the only people I’ve ever truly cared what they thought of me.

“But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself.” - Nietzsche

Relationships of any nature have never been my strong suit. I’ve always felt out of place, like I didn’t belong. Even as early as grade school, and all through high school and college, I’ve felt a step out of synch with my peers, and have always struggled with finding my comfort level within any social interactions. Most of the time, I feel like I’m just a shadow in the room, not seen by anyone. I have never had a large friend-group, and it feels as if I’ve been nothing but a disappointment to everyone I’ve ever met. I know I haven’t been a good friend, son, brother, or uncle. I often don’t communicate properly, or enough, to maintain any sort of long term connection with anyone, and I’m inept at properly explaining my feelings. I have a very thin relationship with most of my family, often going days or weeks with no contact. I have cousins I never talk to. Acquaintances that barely qualify as friends. I long for that movie-perfect lifelong friend to confide in, lean on, and share memories with, but that’s just not my reality. I completely failed as a husband, as evidence by my quick divorce, and haven’t been any better as a boyfriend. And I bear all of the responsibility for these failed relationships. While I may be faithful and honest, I’m often guilty of getting distracted and taking the relationship for granted, which comes across as distant and unloving. And nobody has deemed me worth the effort. My heart has never been enough. I’ve never been enough. I’m still learning to accept that this is my lot in life.

“No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what’s in it. No one is afraid of love, they are afraid of the broken heart.” - Kurt Cobain

I lead a fairly solitary and sometimes lonely, life. Albeit, it’s a life I’ve created. I have zero tolerance for liars, users, cheaters, manipulators, or friends of convenience. Sometimes your own company is the only company you can trust. There’s less suffering if you don’t get your hopes up to begin with.

But the loneliness is deafening sometimes.

“If you can’t find a good companion, then walk the path alone. Better alone than with anyone who hinders your progress.” - Buddha
“He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” - Elbert Hubbard

While he won’t admit it outright, I know without a doubt I disappointed my dad with my disinterest in organized school sports. Sure, I played football, basketball, and baseball, but it was never my passion like it was for him. And my sister. I loved mountain biking, camping, fishing, rock climbing and sailing, but at the time, these weren’t truly acceptable or even “easily possible” endeavors in our small community. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I told him in 7th grade that I had no desire to go pro in any of the organized sports I played, though. The next day, the catcher’s gear he’d loaned me was gone, and even that level of enjoyment was gone for me. I was relegated to the outfield, the most boring position on the team. I lacked the quick reflexes for infield work, and while I wasn’t great at catching, I loved it. I hated practices, though, and my big mouth was punished by having it taken away from me. Another failure.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that aircraft take off against the wind, not with it.” - Henry Ford

My career has been another let down, to my parents and to myself. I simply have no desire to become a licensed architect anymore, with all its rules and regulations and continuing education that only softly applies to the actual job. While I mostly enjoy what I do “most days”, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I feel like I’m getting burned out of architecture. And I am 110% over the office drama and ass kissing that seems to be everywhere. Most offices don’t promote those who do the job well, but rather those who suck up the best. And I don’t do that. I’ll tell you the truth, backed up with facts, not simply what you want to hear. And that doesn’t get one very far in corporate America. I fully regret returning to my company after my hike, and while I’m looking, the job market isn’t great right now with an economy on the down slope.

“The further a society drifts from truth, the more it will hate those who speak it.” - George Orwell

But by far, my biggest failure, and I’m sure my parent’s biggest disappointment in me, is that I never became a father. It’s the one goal I’ve harbored my entire life, and now, in my late 40s, the one goal I’ve completely written off as failed. I won’t do that to a child, as I’m sure I won’t live to be 100. It’s also the one failure I have the hardest time accepting. It’s all I’ve ever wanted - a loving wife and a couple of happy children. I’m still learning to accept this one, and it’s more difficult than I ever expected. Thankfully, my sister had my niece, so I could stop getting the not-so-subtle hints about wanted grandchildren. But even going to an event and seeing families walking around, it burns a little in my heart.

And worse - I don’t feel I can apologize to any of them. My parents. My sister. My ex-wife and ex-girlfriends. My so called friends. They’d all wave it off, dismissing my feelings as if they mean nothing to anyone. And maybe they don’t anymore, to anyone except to me. To me, they mean more than this post could even portray.

“The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.” - Henry Ward Beecher

And at the end of the day, no, I’m not ok. But that’s ok. I’m learning to ask for help, even if it’s not to anyone I know on a personal level. I’m recognizing when things turn downward and reaching out for help before I become lost in my own pity party. I’ve never once contemplated suicide. I may be a part of every other failure statistic, but I won’t become part of that one. But I have fallen low enough at times to allow myself to take risks with severe consequences to life and limb. And that’s when I ask for help, in keeping my actions safe, my thoughts positive, and seeing the future for what it could be, if only I’m brave enough to try.

Please, I implore you - if you are feeling down, or lost, or alone, please reach out for help. There’s no shame in it. We all struggle. We all need some guidance and assistance from time to time. Mental health has such a negative stigmatism attached to it, but it shouldn’t, it needn’t. Remember, if we’re all alone, we’re all together in that.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone, please call. Most every local county government will have a hotline, as well.

And if you’re in a relationship, tell your partner how you feel. Every day. Never stop dating, even if you’ve been married for years. It’s ok to go to bed angry, but don’t wake up angry. Forgive. Talk. Express your feelings. Share your dreams. Fight for each other, not with each other. Be partners, not competition.

I may be a bad example to follow after, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. You can, too…