Reflections
“I hope you are mindful enough to understand that when someone is silent, it’s not always about you. Some people need to ride out their struggle alone, and the best thing you can do is just let them.” Stephanie Bennett-Henry
I have been in a reflective mood the past week or so. So much has changed in my life over the past two years, pandemic not withstanding, and I don’t always recognize or acknowledge those changes for what they are. Growth. Maturing. Progress. I will fully admit I am “one of those people” who hates change - I like consistency, boring-sameness, and regular patterns. When things go askew, as life almost certainly provides, it throws me for a loop, and I know I do not always handle those changes properly. And in the middle of my mental musings, it has occurred to me that my problems, while severe in my own head, really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, in the larger world we share. My issues are miniscule compared to those of others. And I hate that about myself, this self-important sense of being.
My sister and brother-in-law are preparing to say goodbye to one of their closest friends. Their life feels the devastating blow as if an earthquake has just shattered the walls around them. While I am feeling pained by those who chose to leave my life, they are preparing for a loss nobody chose. I feel sick thinking of the pain they, and those even closer to said friend, are going through. And knowing there is nothing I can say or do makes it hurt even worse.
I am not altogether close with my brother-in-law, and not especially close to my sister any longer. I realize the majority of the fault lies in my own delusional thinking. The inner voice has won more than I care to admit, the one telling me we have nothing in common, that I am not good enough to be considered their family, the feeling that I am not worthy of the love and friendship they have offered endless times. I need to make a more concerted effort to accept what is offered to me. I need to be a better brother, brother-in-law, uncle, son, and friend. We are all in this great big world together, and trying to seclude myself to protect my heart is useless, selfish, and condemnable.
“Loneliness is not the physical absence of of other people. It is the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.” Johann Hari
Life is short. Chose to be happy. Surround yourself with those who you love, who freely love you back, who put a smile on your face just by being themselves. If someone has chosen to walk out of your life, see it as a gift that they are removing negativity from your life before it has a chance to impact you more fully. Don’t be so harsh with yourself that you cannot see the good around you, for our own mental image of ourselves is far more critical than anyone else’s. And above all else, remember to hug those closest to you, to speak your feelings, to live without regret. Cherish every moment and every person in your life, because you never know when will be the last time you see someone. Life is fragile. Take nothing and no one for granted. We only get one chance at this thing called ‘life’, so make it the best damned adventure you can.
Be well. And remember to always Spin the Compass of life.
