Year of Change
“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living.” -Rachel Marie Martin in “The Brave Art of Motherhood”
I’m all about making 2021 be a year of change. And that started in January, when I started to move. I’m still in the same general area, but after 12 years in my apartment, it was time to get out and away from all the memories and emotions trapped there.
That’s not to say it’s been easy, because it hasn’t been. Let me just say this once. Moving sucks! It’s painful, both physically and mentally. Sorting through boxes and the tall piles that form after so long, you run across many memories and not all of them are good. I’ve relived a lot of painful events from the past decade. Divorce. Death. Breakups. Injuries and surgery. Oh, and I wore out my heating pad trying to keep my back in functioning condition.
“Rejection is deeply painful. Almost crippling.” -Rene Brown in “Daring Greatly”
Not all of those memories are bad, though. And not all of them stay at the apartment. In my moving, I was also reminded of weddings. Wonderful relationships and love. Fun activities and experiences. I’m going to miss the convenience of being close to everything. I’m going to miss my many feathered friends. Carl Cardinal. Nate Nuthatch. Chaz the Spaz Chickadee. Tommy Titmouse. Ronnie Wren. But I’m sure I’ll make new friends at my new digs. Plus I get to put up lots of new feeders without worrying about upsetting the neighbors downstairs.
“I will never regret someone that I had an amazing time and experience with. Even if we fall off. They made life special at a certain time. We grew together, even if we grew apart. For that, I will always be thankful.” -Unknown
Like I said, it’s not all bad. I’ve got new living arrangements to form new memories in. I’ve got more space to be able to enjoy my hobbies, without the immediate need to clean up at the end of the day so I can eat dinner. I’ll be more comfortable, without people living under me and on all sides of me. I’ve listened to music at home more in the last couple of months than I have in years. And with that space comes a better kitchen, a spare bedroom, and space to relax without feeling hemmed in.
“I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.” -Rene Brown in “Daring Greatly”
I am a bit confused by all of the “I’m proud of you” comments. Why does buying a house make someone proud, while living my fullest life possible in an apartment didn’t? Learning to walk again didn’t. Becoming a medic or earning life membership in an organization didn’t. I feel like this is “what’s expected” of me, the next logical step in life, but why does every life have to be lived by the same playbook? Everything else in my life has failed, petered out, or otherwise been a disappointment, whether to others or to myself. But I’ve come to realize I don’t care anymore. Your opinion is yours, not mine, so don’t force yours on me. This is what I want, not because it’s what’s expected of me, but because it’s what’s best for me right now. I know I’m unlovable, and that the love I desire probably doesn’t even exist. So I’m done trying to find it and will love each day I have left as fully as I can, and fully for myself. Maybe that’s selfish, but I’ve been called worse than that in the past.
“Daring greatly means finding our own path and respecting that the search looks different for other folks.” -Rene Brown in “Daring Greatly”
Once my move is completed, and all the bureaucracy is satisfied, I’ll be focusing on what lies ahead. Some will get shared here, most will be kept to myself, but I’m going to try to make 2021 way better than 2019 and 2020. Life is too short to worry about what I am missing out on…
“If we own our story we get to write our ending.” -Rene Brown in “Daring Greatly”
“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.” -Charlie Wardle, Understanding & Building Confidence
