Ramblings
If you haven’t noticed yet, I have a thing for quotes. I read a lot – A LOT – and any time I find a good quote, or a line that speaks to me, I jot it down. I share some of them here, for you, but also for me. Here’s some random ramblings, with a mismatch of quotes thrown in. Hope you enjoy.
“Sometimes I feel bad for not checking in with people to see how they are doing. Until I realize phones work both ways and those people are not checking in on me either.”
I haven’t been a good friend. I think about my friends a lot, but rarely check in with them. I’m going to try reaching out more often. Even if it’s one sided, which it usually is. I know most of those who know me are using me – for emotional support, for help moving or fixing things or doing repairs to their houses, or any number of other things. Once their needs are met, I am forgotten, usually with nothing more than a quick “thanks” as they walk away. Once my emotional levels start dipping to dark territory, they run for the hills. And while that hurts to no end, I cannot let that change who I am inside. I like to help people. I like it better when I know it’s truly appreciated or, heaven forbid, when I might one day be able to lean on them when I am in need, but even if it’s not, I need to be me. If life has taught me anything, it’s to stand on your own two feet without anyone else helping you, that way when they inevitably walk away, you’re still standing.
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
“Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.” James C. Dobson
“It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey.”
I’m working on improving myself. I’ve often avoided my inner issues, getting lost in fiction or just staying insanely occupied. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s not a comfortable thing, examining my life fully. But I am working on it. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m starting to see change, to see differences. Sometimes my self-isolation is defeating, but often, it’s recharging. I’m mostly an introvert in a very extroverted world, and that often takes its toll on me. I recognize that I’ve let it take more from me than it ever gave me in return. This next year will be different, and I doubt anyone will notice I’m not there.
“‘The full soul loatheth a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ (Proverbs 27:7) There are pleasures to be found where you would never look for them. That’s a bit of fatherly wisdom, but it’s also the Lord’s honest truth.” Marilynne Robinson in “Gilead”
“Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.” Edgar Allen Poe
“Not everyone gets the same version of me. One may tell you I’m a hell of a friend and loyal to the core. Another may tell you I’m a cold hearted asshole. Believe them both. I don’t treat people poorly, I treat them accordingly.”
I never thought I would be someone who would have to admit that I’ve bought two engagement rings in my life. The first, I clearly made a mistake and should’ve taken the money and run. Live and learn. The second, I had the pure embarrassment of returning for a refund. I’m sure I’m not the only one to do so, as the clerk was very professional and courteous of my emotions at the time, and boy were there emotions. She was the first person in nearly fifteen years with whom I thought I could spend the rest of my life with. She didn’t turn down my proposal. Thankfully, she didn’t even know about the ring when we separated. Her leaving me devastated me at the time – and to some extent, still is – but now, with time and space, I can see why she left me. I didn’t deserve her, or more appropriately, she deserved so much better than I was able to give her. I allowed myself to alter who I was, what I wanted, and what I was willing to put up with in the “name of love”. I stopped talking freely, often only giving an opinion once it had been reviewed thoroughly in my head. I dropped goals I had been nurturing for a long time, because it wasn’t something she would support, or wouldn’t work with her dreams. In the end, I think I forgot who I was. I still look back at our time together fondly, but I am recognizing my shortcomings and trying to move forward. I’ve recaptured some of my goals for life, have started to better myself both mentally and physically, and am trying to get myself back to where I can like who I am. But it’s not easy. Thrown into pure self-preservation mode, I built up my emotional walls nearly overnight, and then spent a long time adding to the foundation with my actions and thought processes. I try not to say “never again” or any such nonsense, because what does forever really mean anymore, but I realize if there is ever to be a “once again”, I will need to crush that wall back to dust again, something she had done slowly without me even realizing it. For now, all I can say is I am working on it, but the wall is still standing solid…
“Don’t chase your dream! Humans are persistence predators. Follow your dreams at a sustainable pace, until they get tired and lie down.”
“When I rise up, let me rise up joyful like a bird. When I fall, let me fall without regret like a leaf.” Wendell Berry
“But it’s all still there in my heart and soul. The walk, the hills, the sky, the solitary pain and pleasure – they will grow larger, sweeter, lovelier in the days to come, like a treasure.” Edward Abbey
I recently spent a few nights back in the woods, on the trail I love so deeply. It was sad, though. I have so many memories of my thru hike, but nearly all of them have pieces of her woven into them. It’s as if nothing I think about is free from her memory, which makes it hard to move on. It’s clear this is a one-sided thing, for she moved on from me nearly immediately. And if I am being honest with myself, I am thankful for that. Since the day we met, I have only wanted her happiness. When I failed to provide that, she found someone else that could, and that’s ok. That’s how it’s supposed to be. She’s young and beautiful and driven and has so much to offer anyone she allows into her life. I squandered that opportunity, and that’s my failure to bear. That said, being back in the woods was so very cathartic for my soul. The fresh air, not a single soul seen in four days, just me, the birds, the animals of the woods, a campfire at night, and my journal. I didn’t cover a lot of miles, instead stopping often and just sitting silently, but that’s exactly what I needed. I am going to try to do that more often in the future. I ate better. I slept better. I smiled easier. And when I returned to real life, I felt more relaxed and calm. I’ve missed that.
“There are occasions when you can hear the mysterious language of the Earth, in water, or coming through the trees, emanating from the mosses, seeping through the under currents of the soil, but you have to be willing to wait and receive.” John Hay in “The Immortal Wilderness”
“No one can ever excel in great things who does not first excel in little things.” St. Francis Xavier
“And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones and good in everything.” William Shakespeare
“Smoking cigars is like falling in love. First, you are attracted by its shape; you stay for its flavor, and you must always remember never, never to let the flame go out!” Sir Winston Churchill
“If I’m ever murdered or kidnapped, please don’t make up lies about me. I do not light up a room. Everyone doesn’t want to be my friend. People don’t automatically take notice of me. I have a smart mouth and two friends. Tell 20/20 that.”
That’s it for now. Remember to always Spin the Compass.
